Hard TalksThree Conversations
Before a hard talk, untangle what happened, how people feel and what it means to each of you.
A difficult conversation is rarely one conversation. Under the argument about facts runs a second one about feelings, and under that a third about who each person is: competent, fair, a good colleague. Preparing only for the facts is why these talks so often go sideways.
How to use it
- What happened: write your version, then theirs as best you can guess. Note where they differ. Drop the question of blame; look at what each person contributed.
- Feelings: name your own, and guess at theirs. Decide which ones need saying out loud.
- Identity: ask what this touches for you ("am I a fair manager?") and for them ("am I good at my job?").
- Plan an opening that describes the difference between your views as a third person would, and invites them to help understand it.
- In the talk, listen for which of the three is live, and address that one.
Example
A shop manager needs to raise a pattern of late openings with a long-serving supervisor. Preparing, they realise the supervisor may hear it as "you're no longer reliable", and plan to say what still stands as well as what has to change.
Watch out
- Treating your story as the facts. Hold it as one view.
- Over-scripting. Prepare the ground, not the lines.
Combine it with Crucial Conversations and frame specifics with Name The Gap.